Down and out in Rotterdam

Ideas, meaning and a mind in motion

Category: Zen

  • What I talk about on a date

    undateables

    When dating women, I often come to think of myself as a rather boring person with nothing meaningful to say. I don’t have a job right now so that topic is of the table, but even if I had a job I don’t think I would like to talk about it at length.

    So what do I reply when asked ‘What do you do?’ Usually I start by saying that I read a lot, and then there is a slight pause. What dó I do? I mostly read and think. And sometimes I write. When I add  ‘I also write, I have a blog’, she will naturally ask what about. I cringe from the question even-though I have had plenty of practice answering, but the question always catches me off guard. ‘Ehm, autobiographical stuff, observations, reflections, ideas.’ Embarrassed I add that it’s nothing special, or serious and just for fun. So yes, what do I do? Mostly reading, thinking and writing.

    But of course I do experience a lot just by reading. I recently finished Kotkin’s excellent first volume of three about Stalin; ‘Stalin: Volume I: Paradoxes of Power, 1878-1928’ which more than just offering insights into the life and character of Stalin offers a well written overview of the revolution and its key personalities and historical events all factors contributing to his rise to power. It ends (spoiler alert) with a discussion and conclusion that without Stalin the revolution and Leninism would have died, because from all the heirs of Lenin he was the only man orthodox and ruthless enough to be able to collectivize the peasantry – making an end to the compromise NEP policy – no matter what the cost of human life.

    Right now I am really thoroughly enjoying ‘A Guide to the Good Life {the ancient art of stoic joy} by William B. Irvine, about living the good life with Stoïc philosophy as a practical guide (on which I will definitely write a blog, as to me Stoïcism might be an easier alternative to Zen Buddhism, but with the shared benefits for living the good life.)

    Anyhow; I find it hard to converse with people with little to no interest in history or literature or philosophy but (this is no judgement) few people nowadays do. Inside of me there exists a vast world of ideas, topics and opinions, and yet I seem to find few people that can relate. While most people can go on for hours about their travels and travel destinations, most popular destinations are of little interest to me. I want to visit the Ukraine to discover the historical locations of my ancestors and the battlefields that changed the 20th century. I want to visit the places Hemingway visited, and experience Europe, because I am an European and have little feeling for Asian territories no matter how picturesque on film or photos. And when people tell me that travel enlightens I always reply that the Buddha mostly sat underneath his tree. I maintain that one travels farther in literature and the imagination than in miles by airplane. I know I learned more about India by reading Kipling’s ‘Kim’ and E.M. Foresters ‘A passage to India’ than a few weeks of physical presence in India would have taught me. And of-course in literature there is the added dimension of travelling in time and in the thoughts of characters. But I digress…

    Sometimes I try to discuss my spiritual growth as a person, and my philosophical outlook on life and with it (how else) my doubts. But often expressing doubt invites some to think you don’t know and are looking for answers, answers which then are promptly offered, often with little regard to the Original problems posed. So sooner or later you choose to reveal less and you stop expressing your doubts out loud because your doubts are only just that; doubts, contrary ideas long thought through inside -sometimes for years- and they wouldn’t be doubts if any easy answer would do. They might well remain doubts forever. There are no easy answers, but sometimes you just want to share those doubts nonetheless, but soon you become careful expressing them.

    So what remains? You end up talking about the weather and about some silly item in the news, you ask ‘How was last weekend’, about the bills, about the general mood; ‘I am fine thank you’, and on you go until hopefully, finally you will find the girl who goes week in the knees when you tell her about Stalin or Zeno of Citium.

  • A Serious Man

    a_serious_man_25

    I felt like writing about the Coen Brother’s ‘A serious man’. I think it is perhaps their best movie yet and I like it especially because of its Jewish setting and story-line. More important it is a profoundly philosophical and existential movie which though labeled a comedy, could just as easily have been labeled a tragedy. It’s a movie that can make you laugh out loud but is just as likely to make you sob and binge on alcohol, all depending on the mood you’re in while watching it. It’s a real tragicomedy, like life itself.

    The movie opens with a quote from Rashi:

    Receive with simplicity everything that happens to you.

    The main character Larry Gopnik gets introduced in the movie while trying to explain the math behind Schrödingers Paradox on a large chalkboard. Shortly after the professor gets a visit from Korean exchange student Clive, who complains about failing his midterm exams.

    “Uh, Dr. Gopnik, I believe the results of Physics Mid-Term were unjust.
     “Uh-huh, how so?”
     “I received an unsatisfactory grade. In fact: F, the failing
    grade.”

    “Uh, yes. You failed the mid-term. That’s accurate.”
    “Yes, but this is not just. I was unaware to be examined on
    the mathematics.”

    “Well-you can’t do physics without mathematics, really, can you.”
    “If I receive failing grade I lose my scholarship, and feel
    shame. I understand the physics. I understand the dead cat.”

    “You understand the dead cat?”

    “But… you… you can’t really understand the physics
    without understanding the math. The math tells how it
    really works. That’s the real thing; the stories I give you in
    class are just illustrative; they’re like, fables, say, to help
    give you a picture. An imperfect model. I mean-even I
    don’t understand the dead cat. The math is how it really
    works.”

    This dialogue is crucial for understanding the movie. Larry Gopnik isn’t certain at all and admits he doesn’t really understand the dead cat. He only knows the math. It’s a funny scene, but important in that it offers insight into the mindset of the main character.

    Soon Larry discovers Clive tries to bribe him into passing his midterm when he finds an envelope with dollar bills on his desk. At first this causes outrage with Larry, but as further unfortunate events unfold in the movie he starts to seriously consider passing Clive.

    As the movie progresses, Larry experiences ever more setbacks and soon imagines himself like the biblical character Job, and while perhaps initially laughing at him, you honestly start to feel sorry for Larry. At least I did. But the true tragedy of ‘A Serious Man’ is how Larry deals with his setbacks. His whole life is seemingly falling apart and think as he might as a physicist, he finds no sense behind it. And so he acts like a deer caught in the headlights, he freezes.

    In another scene we witness a dream Larry is dreaming. He dreams that he is in front of his class writing out the math behind the ‘uncertainty principle’. He has written an enormous equation covering the whole of the chalkboard.

    . and that means… so that… from which we derive…
    and also.. which lets us… and…

    Okay?
    The Uncertainty Principle. It proves we can’t ever
    really know… what’s going on.
    So it shouldn’t bother you. Not being able to figure
    anything out. Although you will be responsible for this on
    the mid-term

    His dream tries to speak to him, but he ignores his dream. In a quest for answers Larry visits three consecutive rabbi’s for advice. What should he do, why are all these setbacks coming at once and why him?  We’ve all asked these questions. Well, most Jews certainly did. Like I said, it’s a very Jewish movie.

    Does he find an answer with the Rabbi’s? Does he take the bribe from Clive at the end of the movie?

    Here’s the lesson I took from the movie:

    In life, you can choose to be good and do good deeds, but there is no reward, or you can choose to be bad and you might get away without punishment. We can live careful and responsible lives making minor mistakes, but one minor mistake can end up being of great consequences and we all make mistakes. Just as easily we can choose to live life dangerously and make all the mistakes in the book, and die without regrets in old age.

    Some of us (blessed are the ignorant…) look for a meaning to our misery, especially if we feel we don’t deserve it, but no matter how hard we try we will never get the answers and die clueless. All we can hope for is that our life was somehow meaningful and rewarding, but there are no guarantees. No guarantees. At all. That’s the scary part. Yet even if life is hard on you, you can still choose to do good regardless, you can always choose for good.

    And Rashi was probably right; ‘receive everything that happens to you with simplicity’. Easier said than done. Good luck to all of us.

    The serious man is in all of us. I’ve felt like him a lot. In fact, my advice; don’t watch this movie when you’re down. A Serious man painfully illustrates the feelings of impotence we can encounter in our day to day struggle with life.

  • Nessun dorma

    25-Tathagata-Zen_lg

    At Urban Espresso Bar with ‘Nessun dorma’ by Pavarotti on repeat, sipping a small latte, I am waiting for time to pass.

    Tonight I wont be alone. Tonight I will hold someone. I wait.

    I promised myself I wouldn’t go to Urban today, I wouldn’t spent money I promised myself. I failed.

    Just one latte, to sooth my anguish.

    I have spent half my day at the Rotterdam library, initially looking for carreer opportunities, not long after just reading while listening to classical aria’s.

    I finished reading ‘Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind’ by Shunryu Suzuki. I finished it on a cloudy day amidst other people studying on the third floor and the people moving up and down the escelator opposite me.

    Beautifully he describes nirvana. We are like a drop of water falling from a waterfall. As a drop we are afraid, we are alone and have feelings that make us confused, we are mid-air, with no solid ground. Eventually we become one again with the river from which we fell. The fall is only temporary, but even in our fall we are part of a larger body of water falling and a river streaming.

    It comforted me a little.

    The clock was still ticking slowly, I was done searching for carreer opportunities, I was finished reading and I became self-conscious about having no direct purpose, while around me people seemed purposefully busy.

    I packed my stuff and walked to the philosophy section. I’ve searched the shelves innumerable times already, no new additions. I held a book on Schopenhauer by Safranski, but the pages were dirty and yellow and just didn’t feel right. Next I held his ‘Parerga und Paralipomena’. What was I looking for? I was just feeling restless, empty and purposeless and I needed something to comfort me, anything. Schopenhauer is comforting, but I was looking for something else, a more immediate gratification with less pages.

    I looked further. I passed the mindfullness section. Many titles, but nothing with my name on it.

    It was still a long while before I would see her. More time to kill. With no purpose I was standing and looking at endless booktitles, none of direct interest.

    Then amidst the self-help books I found another Schopenhauer, a tiny little pocketsize Schopenhauer. It was his ‘Die kunst , glücklich zu sein’ in a Dutch translation. A second of gratification, a short feeling of excitement, I took it with me and looked further. I never looked through these shelves before, more books about Buddhism, Judaïsm, Zen. A Dutch translation of ‘The Zen teachings of Bodhidharma’, I took it with me.

    Downstairs I scanned my library card and scanned the two books. I owed the library five euro’s. I never brought back my books on time. I payed what I was due, reluctantly. Again empty, with no direct destination I walked out of the library. Still another hour to kill. Still that empty feeling inside.

    Fuck it, I need a latte.

    It’s half pas five. I can go see her. I can have dinner with her. I can tell her about my day, about my worries, about my empty feeling. I can show her the books I took out from the library. I can hold her.

    Shunryu Suzuki says it’s alright. If it rains, it rains. Feelings come and feelings go.

    I sat down at the Urban Espresso Bar, with Nessun Dorma on repeat, writing this post, and now it’s time to leave. Time to finish and publish this post. Time to eat. To eat with her.

    It’s ok.

     

     

     

  • Happiness a state of mind?

    Happy-KidsIn populair thought people often argue that happiness is a state of mind.

    I disagree.

    Sure, sometimes we can make problems bigger if we run circles inside our head, often spiraling out of control. It takes an effort to turn things around an stop negative thoughts in their tracks. But it is wrong to assume that it’s all a question of self control.

    As thinking beings, the result of both nurture and nature, the workings of our mind are a complex process of which we of as yet no very little. Many factors are at play.

    Some people are chronically depressed or anxious and only medication can give them any sense of relief.

    Some people have personality disorders the result of years of abuse or trouble since childhood, resulting in changes of the brain and how it functions for good. Sometimes with hard practice old patterns can change, but it is an illusion to expect change over night, waking up staring into the sun and deciding to do everything differently.

    Instead of positive credo’s like ‘Happiness is a state of mind’ I would rather prefer more realistic credo’s. Even ‘Shit happens’ sounds better to my ears.

    Ever since I’ve started to read about Zen philosophy I’ve had most difficulty with those practitioners and ‘Dharma Bums’ preaching against any negativity. But is this the only way? What is wrong with negativity? Without negativity, there exists no positivity. It’s yin and yang, and all part of life.

    Since I remember myself, even as a kid, I was intrigued by the dark side. Not clothing myself as a goth, or imagining myself as count Dracula. No, just a curious interest or fascination with death, with mourning, with loneliness. I never considered it a bad thing.

    Later this developed into an appreciation of writers as Dostoevsky. Realistic fiction, often dramatic and often ending in tragedy.

    Hemingway wrote in ‘Death in the Afternoon’;

    Madame, all stories, if continued far enough, end in death, and he is no true-story teller who would keep that from you.

    Isn’t this awfully true?

    Suffering is part of being human and the price we pay for being conscious beings.

    Many times when happy I don’t even know why I am happy, I just am. It comes and goes like inspiration for writing posts for this blog. I have little control of it.

    So no, happiness is not a state of mind and negativity is just as welcome if honest and not conceited.

    Hemingway also wrote;

    Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt use it — don’t cheat with it.

    All states of mind to me are equally worthy. Just don’t cheat with it.