Writing my first post in years last sunday felt like a huge breakthrough, I was so convinced of recovering my voice. I had big plans for this blog. Since sunday I was confident I had recovered something essential. Something sustainable. A never ending source of sustenance and accomplishment.
The start of the week was hectic, I had no time to sit down a second time, but I was confident I could. Then this morning happened. I woke up with a brain fog. I had big plans for a healthy breakfast. I had prepared the groceries, I had the clean pans. But I just couldn’t put myself to do it. I settled for a bowl of Skyr and walnuts. Less friction.
I logged in for work on my home computer, but all I could do was check the news, sip my coffee and stare out of the window. It was a gray and wet morning. I had to do something to get started. My medication wouldn’t kick in for at least two hours. I had to warm up my brain.
So I did what I often do when I am stuck, I discuss ideas with ChatGPT. That’s my go to selfregulation method; thinking out loud, testing ideas, and trying to understand my state of mind in real time. Creative and analytical thinking is my most readily available method for jumpstarting my brain.
As I warmed up I forgot about the failed attempt at cooking my breakfast. I could forgive myself for wasting two hours sitting at my desk doing nothing and I actually felt that this day might yet work out after all and I had some new ideas for a second blogpost.
Fast forward to this evening. I decided it was time to deliver on my morning promise to publish a new post. Only to immediately lose focus as I wandered into my unpublished drafts. Over the years I had many of those. I opened one, I opened a second, I opened a third. And down went my mood and with it my courage.
This post is not what I had in mind for my second attempt. It is however a good snapshot of how my day went. Living with ADHD means that even after a breakthrough, the next moment can feel completely different. It is so easy to get disheartened.
Yet this is it. This is my second post. I sat down and I persevered and I pressed publish.
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