When I think of her now

When I think of her now, I just want to remember the good stuff. I am over the bad stuff, it doesn’t weigh down on me like it used to before. The good stuff; like how we met one night in November at café ‘De Kroeg’ at a drink with all the students of the archaeology department. I remember calling out to her, intentionally mispronouncing her name when she was outside getting her bike and how she corrected me like I intended and how we had our first kiss. It was a surprisingly smooth move I never succesfully repeated. Soon we were dating.

When I think of her now I remember her beautiful petite figure, well adjusted to my embrace and light to carry if I chose. I remember her delicate doll like features; her small sharp nose and little round mouth, not unlike Audrey Hepburn in a scene from ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’, of which she had a poster on her wall above her bed. She fitted the part in appearance and character. As sweet as a girl, but also a little princess, with two older brothers, and a flirt who knew how to charm any man. I often prided myself with her attention, and she was the first girl who ever made me feel devotedly in love.

I think about the dresses she wore, and the cute heeled shoes on her small childlike feet. And how I am still intoxicated when I smell her sweet and flowery perfume; Coco Chanel Mademoiselle.

I loved the weekends with her parents and her brothers, miles away from home, good folk and their cute dog Milo. It wasn’t Always perfect, but we had a swell time.

I guess it wasn’t meant to be because I wasn’t ready for love, and when I was, she was ready for something else. I betrayed her trust and love and she betrayed mine.

When I think of her now I think of the silliness of some of the decisions we made, but I guess it couldn’t have gone any other way. There is no need to feel sad, because the good was the time we had. She was part of my Leiden years which I can’t really imagine without knowing her. And I will Always remember her, so I am done focusing on the bad. When I think of her now I try to smile and think of the good.

And maybe she will do the same thinking of me.